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pseudohermaphroditic like Marilyn Monroe

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[21 Mar 2005|11:50am]
i moved to minkoff. plz add me or you know don't whatevs.
you've all been good interweb friends though
and i hope you never become homeless.
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▪▫▪▫ i will be your ambulance if you will be my accident [12 Oct 2004|02:56pm]
[ mood | red bull-ed ]

ATTN "friends"

I dont know who a lot of you are. If you know who I am and would like for me to remain on your friends page/list/inyourheart drop a comment plz. If not, bye and may all your dreams come true.
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▪▫▪▫ well i found myself suddenly underneath that guillotine [30 Sep 2004|11:17am]
[ mood | headachey ]

Last night I had a brush not with death but with the idea of mortality in general. Again. I'm not sure, but the balcony seems to bring me infinite waves of bad luck and general feelings of dread possibly because there is no true railing and I suppose at any moment I could just be blown away in a gust, right off the edge and four stories down to my impending doom. There was the EMS episode, watching that truck of the life saving techniques pull up in front of my dorm and park on Sunday night. And then there's the fact that each floor's balcony has an ash tray. Each balcony is a place not for fresh air getting but for nicotine craving and I sit out there in a rocking chair smoking cig after cig after cig until my fingers are stained with tobacco and my throat is raw from mild fires. Fact: Ortho Cyclen can cause blood clots in smokers. I wonder how something like that slips my mind until last night when, upon waking up from a nap, I find that my left leg is incredibly sore as though I'm twelve years old again and suffering from growing pains. And it occurs to me that my leg has been moderately sore all day long and I've been ignoring it. And I throw myself back onto my bed and sob into my pillow and ask God why WHY why. I'm almost positive that if I can't figure out whether to lay down or stand up or take a walk or sit completely still, the clot will move rapid swift into my heart and I will die of pulmonary attack, a cardiovascular mishap, and I will die sprawled out on my dorm room floor. So, what to do what to do these are my last moments of breath and life afterall. I walk downstairs into the commuter lobby and watch the real world.

my leg doesn't hurt anymore i might have learned a lesson all is well the end.

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▪▫▪▫ "to us; the planetary strangers," he lifted his glass [26 Sep 2004|10:54pm]
I just had one of those weird moments and I'm not really sure exactly how weird it is, you know, if it's worth writing. Maybe I'm just in a weird mood and thus this struck me as a weird moment in my life. But nonetheless, I found myself pulling a sweater over my head as I sort of rushed down the stairs on my way to a computer lab where I could type this all out, because at least with typing my words get down at a faster rate than on paper, never fast enough though, never as fast as my thoughts move. but I digress.

I was sitting outside on the balcony, not on the fourth floor because all the skanks were out there and I'm antisocial enough to call them "skanks". Really, I'm sure they're all perfectly nice girls. whatevs. I was on the third floor balcony on the porch swing inhaling too much smoke every time the swing moved forward. I'm looking out to the street and there's a siren sounding somewhere in downtown, then further up the street, and eventually, the EMS parks right the hell in front of the dorm. And the debutantes squatting on the top balcony start cheering like this is some big event. And it is a big event, it's caught my interest, I light another cigarette and lean on the awning and stare down and watch the stretcher being taken out and pushed up the ramp and into our building.

And then we wait. And after five minutes of waiting, life goes on. Boyfriends and Girlfriends move in and out of the building, a girl carrying groceries walks straight past the EMS truck and inside, so on and so forth. And nothing happens. That's it.

And finally, I lost interest and came inside but it struck me as just weird. You know, one of those moments that are sort of apropos of nothing. it just doesn't mean a goddamn thing. I could've had some sort of insightful thought about my mortality but instead I just kept smoking cigarettes and sitting with my feet dangling off the balcony, the girls upstairs kept talking about whatever it is they talk about (tanning, exams, drunk boys who are "dumb").

that is all. I've smoked far too many cigarettes and eaten far too much food and now I sort of just want to sleep and pretend like in the morning I can take a shower, do my homework, and be clean of the weekend. and I'm not even that dirty, just slovenly.
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▪▫▪▫ i like songs about drifters-books about the same [24 Sep 2004|08:50am]
[ mood | dumb ]

wow I have a livejournal. huzzah!

maybe I will edit and actually update this laters.

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